Posts Tagged ‘Jennifer Lopez’

Revenge of the Nerds

Fuckin' nerds.

Look, “nerd” doesn’t mean what it used to mean, okay? Back in the day when floor-model TVs were the shit, a “reality show” was something you paid $5 bucks to see at your local sex shop, and nobody knew who the fuck Justin Bieber was, “nerd” was a derogatory term for a dude who was smarter than you and got good grades and was proud of it.

The Notorious B.I.L.L. Represent.

No, these days “nerds” are really nothing more than dorky looking guys who don’t get laid. Oh, and like Star Wars. Star Trek used to be nerd-exclusive, but J.J. Abrams went and ruined it for the nerds, so it’s off the table now.

And I’m not knocking nerds. We need nerds. Would a jock have thought up such a thing as an iPhone or would a cheerleader know how to make a Playstation 3 work? I don’t think so. So I’m all for nerds. Who else is going to get us those hover boards we saw in Back to the Future 2? BTW nerds, you need to get on that shit. 2015 is only 4 years away you know!

How the hell am I supposed to put rims on this thing?

Which leads me to why Hollywood Hates You:

And this:

And the mother of them all, this:

Above: Realism.

So before I rant I must take you into the mind of the Hollywood Universe. There exists a thing called The Hollywood Brain Cloud. Basically, any stupid half-assed idea you can think of can magically sound like genius if you’re in the Hollywood Brain Cloud. But how does this explain why there are so many movies where dog-faced dorks get to smooch up storms with girls who appear to have stepped out of a Victoria’s Secret ad? I’m guessing it went a little something like this:

HOLLYWOOD EXEC #1: Star Wars made lots of money.

HOLLYWOOD EXEC #2: Hey, didn’t lots of nerds go see that?

HOLLYWOOD EXEC #1: Yeah! We should make more movies for nerds!

HOLLYWOOD EXEC #2: On it!

What other explanation is there? Sure, back in the 70s, 80s, and 90s guys who couldn’t get a date and had a disposable income were more likely to retreat into the land of make-believe via their local movie theater, but now they have the internet. And by “internet” I mean “free online porn”. Plus, thanks to the internet movie piracy is easier than it’s ever been. And what group of people are most likely to download movies? And what group does the average Hollywood movie target? And what group do these so called “nerds” mostly belong to? You guessed it. Young white males between the ages of 13 and 34. Or, as Hollywood prefers to call them, “suckers”.

But back to Transformers. Did we really need to see Shia Labeouf tongue rape a girl who, minus his fame and zeroes in his bank account, wouldn’t even spit in his mouth if he were dying of thirst? “But Transformers made gobs of money and sold tons of toys!” you say?

Please. Let’s not play that game. A movie like Transformers is going to make bank no matter who’s in it, as long as there’s huge fucking robots transforming into cars and stuff getting blown up real good, it’s going to rake in mountains of cash. The fact a guy like Labeouf is getting some of that cash is just Hollywood’s way of giving you the finger.

See? Told you so.

And no, I’m not saying I want to see a bunch of movies where asshole douchebags get the girl either. I’d much sooner root for Michael Cera than Dane Cook, but come! How exactly does the success of Superbad translate into Hollywood making an anthology of movies about Michael Cera fucking some blonde girl? And how exactly does Jesse Eisenberg get to score so much top shelf punani in his movies while always looking like a gangly pedophile in training? Why is it that the “nerds” in these movies hardly ever have to put in any work to get these impossibly sexy girls, instead the girls simply just fall all over them? In what universe is this realism?

Look, I watched Out Of Sight a few weeks ago for the first time in years. There you’ve got George Motherfucking Clooney putting the moves on Jennifer Lopez (back when she was still relevant). Clooney is the type of guy who always has a good line of credit at the Pussy Bank, but here he’s actually putting in work and talking a sweet game in order to romance Ex-Ms. Affleck. And it works. Because the man is pimp. Same thing with Up In The Air. If my girlfriend told me she cheated on me with George Clooney I’d completely understand.

I'd fuck me.

Now if I see a movie about a guy who looks like Shia Labeouf, Jesse Eisenberg, Jay Baruchel or Michael Cera and they get a girl who looks like Megan Fox, Portia Doubleday, Alice Eve or Teresa Palmer without money changing hands, then how the hell am I supposed to buy into that? If these guys are putting in far less work than George Clooney in order to get a laid, how is that entertaining? It’s not. It’s bullshit. And I don’t take kindly to bullshit.

And that’s why Hollywood Hates You. Because they honestly, truly think you want to see dorks with no discernible skills or good qualities get everything they want without doing a damn thing to get it. And they think you’re willing to pay $10 bucks a pop to see it on the big screen or $24.99 to see it in 1080p Hi-Def on DVD and Blu Ray. Pfft. Not bloody likely.

Well, except for that *one* time.

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I hope that's talent in that hose.

I guess it makes sense I’d use my first post to try and piss off as many people as humanly possible. Look, this isn’t going to be a “Fuck Ryan Reynolds” post, it’s… well, actually, yeah, it kinda is, but hear me out before you start launching insults at me.

The fact that a guy like Ryan Reynolds is totted as being “a star” is a clear sign as to how much Hollywood hates you, because he’s not. Yes, he’s handsome. Yes, at one time he got to bury his face in Scarlett Johansson’s bosom on a daily basis. And yes, he has that degenerative disease where he can’t keep his shirt on for more than 90 minutes at a time, and I get that the ladies love him (and a surprising number of the fellas, too).

But there are two reasons why I’m tried of seeing this guy’s. A) he’s not a good actor, and B) his movies suck.

Above: Acting.

And yeah, I saw The Nines and Chaos Theory. Just because he smirks a little less or tells a few less snarky jokes in a movie does not make him a good actor. It’s almost as absurd as Paul Walker defenders pointing to Running Scared as an example of his “acting skills”, which was basically him wandering between difference accents and saying “fuck” a bunch of times, but I’ll save Paul Walker for another post.

“But so what? So he plays the same damn character in every movie. So do Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Nic Cage and a bunch of other “stars”. Why single poor handsome Ryan Reynolds out? Is it because YOU’RE JEALOUS?”

No, ladies, I’m not. The difference between Reynolds and those other guys is that Reynolds movies don’t make money. Unless he’s playing against Sandra Bullock or mutants, no one goes to the movies to just see him. But he keeps snagging leading roles anyway, so Hollywood hates you by continuing to force Ryan Reynolds smirking grin down our throats until we finally vomit cash (presumably in order to get them to stop).

Above: Vomit.

Calling this “The Ryan Reynolds Agenda” is kind of unfair since it’s not like he’s the first.

Remember a guy named Ben Affleck? No? The guy who was in Armageddon and Daredevil and married a Spanish chick with a big butt? Still nothing? Yeah, right. Stop lying. You know you remember.

If only we could forget.

Back in the 90s Hollywood pulled the same old bullshit it always pulls. It saw a potential young rising white male actor and they threw a fuckton of money and bad scripts at him and the death of his career was inevitable, except that some of Ben Affleck’s movies made money. It wasn’t until that godawful Gigli that Hollywood finally pulled the band aid off.

Has Green Lantern done that for Ryan Reynolds? Doesn’t look like it. Hollywood has already invested far too much time and money into this guy. They are desperate to make him into a bankable movie star even if they have spend all the money in that bank to do it. It’s going to take a colossal Mars Needs Moms type of bomb for Hollywood to finally get the message that smirking and rock hard abs don’t a movie star make.

Gigli?