Posts Tagged ‘Spanish’

I hope that's talent in that hose.

I guess it makes sense I’d use my first post to try and piss off as many people as humanly possible. Look, this isn’t going to be a “Fuck Ryan Reynolds” post, it’s… well, actually, yeah, it kinda is, but hear me out before you start launching insults at me.

The fact that a guy like Ryan Reynolds is totted as being “a star” is a clear sign as to how much Hollywood hates you, because he’s not. Yes, he’s handsome. Yes, at one time he got to bury his face in Scarlett Johansson’s bosom on a daily basis. And yes, he has that degenerative disease where he can’t keep his shirt on for more than 90 minutes at a time, and I get that the ladies love him (and a surprising number of the fellas, too).

But there are two reasons why I’m tried of seeing this guy’s. A) he’s not a good actor, and B) his movies suck.

Above: Acting.

And yeah, I saw The Nines and Chaos Theory. Just because he smirks a little less or tells a few less snarky jokes in a movie does not make him a good actor. It’s almost as absurd as Paul Walker defenders pointing to Running Scared as an example of his “acting skills”, which was basically him wandering between difference accents and saying “fuck” a bunch of times, but I’ll save Paul Walker for another post.

“But so what? So he plays the same damn character in every movie. So do Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Nic Cage and a bunch of other “stars”. Why single poor handsome Ryan Reynolds out? Is it because YOU’RE JEALOUS?”

No, ladies, I’m not. The difference between Reynolds and those other guys is that Reynolds movies don’t make money. Unless he’s playing against Sandra Bullock or mutants, no one goes to the movies to just see him. But he keeps snagging leading roles anyway, so Hollywood hates you by continuing to force Ryan Reynolds smirking grin down our throats until we finally vomit cash (presumably in order to get them to stop).

Above: Vomit.

Calling this “The Ryan Reynolds Agenda” is kind of unfair since it’s not like he’s the first.

Remember a guy named Ben Affleck? No? The guy who was in Armageddon and Daredevil and married a Spanish chick with a big butt? Still nothing? Yeah, right. Stop lying. You know you remember.

If only we could forget.

Back in the 90s Hollywood pulled the same old bullshit it always pulls. It saw a potential young rising white male actor and they threw a fuckton of money and bad scripts at him and the death of his career was inevitable, except that some of Ben Affleck’s movies made money. It wasn’t until that godawful Gigli that Hollywood finally pulled the band aid off.

Has Green Lantern done that for Ryan Reynolds? Doesn’t look like it. Hollywood has already invested far too much time and money into this guy. They are desperate to make him into a bankable movie star even if they have spend all the money in that bank to do it. It’s going to take a colossal Mars Needs Moms type of bomb for Hollywood to finally get the message that smirking and rock hard abs don’t a movie star make.

Gigli?