I hope that's talent in that hose.

I guess it makes sense I’d use my first post to try and piss off as many people as humanly possible. Look, this isn’t going to be a “Fuck Ryan Reynolds” post, it’s… well, actually, yeah, it kinda is, but hear me out before you start launching insults at me.

The fact that a guy like Ryan Reynolds is totted as being “a star” is a clear sign as to how much Hollywood hates you, because he’s not. Yes, he’s handsome. Yes, at one time he got to bury his face in Scarlett Johansson’s bosom on a daily basis. And yes, he has that degenerative disease where he can’t keep his shirt on for more than 90 minutes at a time, and I get that the ladies love him (and a surprising number of the fellas, too).

But there are two reasons why I’m tried of seeing this guy’s. A) he’s not a good actor, and B) his movies suck.

Above: Acting.

And yeah, I saw The Nines and Chaos Theory. Just because he smirks a little less or tells a few less snarky jokes in a movie does not make him a good actor. It’s almost as absurd as Paul Walker defenders pointing to Running Scared as an example of his “acting skills”, which was basically him wandering between difference accents and saying “fuck” a bunch of times, but I’ll save Paul Walker for another post.

“But so what? So he plays the same damn character in every movie. So do Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Eddie Murphy, Nic Cage and a bunch of other “stars”. Why single poor handsome Ryan Reynolds out? Is it because YOU’RE JEALOUS?”

No, ladies, I’m not. The difference between Reynolds and those other guys is that Reynolds movies don’t make money. Unless he’s playing against Sandra Bullock or mutants, no one goes to the movies to just see him. But he keeps snagging leading roles anyway, so Hollywood hates you by continuing to force Ryan Reynolds smirking grin down our throats until we finally vomit cash (presumably in order to get them to stop).

Above: Vomit.

Calling this “The Ryan Reynolds Agenda” is kind of unfair since it’s not like he’s the first.

Remember a guy named Ben Affleck? No? The guy who was in Armageddon and Daredevil and married a Spanish chick with a big butt? Still nothing? Yeah, right. Stop lying. You know you remember.

If only we could forget.

Back in the 90s Hollywood pulled the same old bullshit it always pulls. It saw a potential young rising white male actor and they threw a fuckton of money and bad scripts at him and the death of his career was inevitable, except that some of Ben Affleck’s movies made money. It wasn’t until that godawful Gigli that Hollywood finally pulled the band aid off.

Has Green Lantern done that for Ryan Reynolds? Doesn’t look like it. Hollywood has already invested far too much time and money into this guy. They are desperate to make him into a bankable movie star even if they have spend all the money in that bank to do it. It’s going to take a colossal Mars Needs Moms type of bomb for Hollywood to finally get the message that smirking and rock hard abs don’t a movie star make.

Gigli?

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Comments
  1. Russ Nickel says:

    Haha. That was actually an interesting and amusing take. I didn’t think about the fact that his movies never make money, though I do find him basically likable. Maybe he should be a sidekick only like in Blade Trinity.

    http://thenickelscreen.com

  2. Ripley says:

    Careful… These hateful rants regarding Reynolds, whose capital sins are his having been married to Scarlett Johansson and being physically terrific, usually backfire. When I read them I automatically assume that those who posts them (males?) might likely be: (a) short and fat; (b) tall and pencil-thin; (c) pimple-ridden; (d) 17 and already balding; (e) a mixture of (a) to (d). In addition, one could also assume that they (f) drool over Scarlett Johansson; (g) don’t have a girlfriend; (h) do have a girlfriend but she drools over Reynolds and drags them to see ALL his films, even those where he appears for not more than ten minutes. I might be wrong, but I doubt it. So, please, those who post such comments next time should also attach a photo of themselves so that I may verify the validity of my theory. Thank you.

    What about some psychotherapy?

    • Chris W. says:

      I’ll say this much. Does Ryan Reynolds look better than me? Sure he does. But so do George Clooney, Denzel Washington, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio. The difference is that those guys are good actors and make good movies while Ryan Reynolds isn’t and doesn’t.

      Why the hell should Ryan Reynolds be exempt from criticism? Because he’s handsome? That’s bullshit. If he were ugly and overweight would you even care about him? He’s a male version of Megan Fox. Pretty, but untalented.

      Okay, maybe comparing him to Megan Fox was a bit extreme, but you get what I mean. Malin Akerman would be a better comparison. Gorgeous, but boring on screen. I used to make fun of Chris Evans the same way, but he at least has played in a number of good movies and has proven himself to be a decent actor so I stopped making fun of him.

      As soon as Ryan Reynolds does the same I’ll stop. Until then, fuck that guy.

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